My thoughts on marriage and this toxic Filipino culture

It's the year 2021, everything shuts down and life stood still. It was the middle of the pandemic. There were lots of uncertainties and I remember myself crying in my room -- it was a very challenging time. This prompted me to make a significant life decision – to return home after spending nearly a decade in Davao. My girlfriend decided to join me, and we moved in with my parents. While living together as a couple before marriage is common in other parts of the world, it is not necessarily widely accepted (especially by Marites) in the Philippines, and the social pressure and expectations can be overwhelming.  But we stood firm in our decision and believed that as long as we weren't hurting anyone, we were making the right choice.

We soon realized that our decision would be met with intrusive questions and unsolicited opinions from others. We received comments from people who were curious about when we would be getting married, and some even went so far as to say, 

"Invited ko sa kasal ha! (Please invite us when you get married)." 

Others made more subtle hints like:

"Barato lang man magpakasal run (Wedding is not expensive),"

"Asa ang reception? (Where is the wedding reception?)," or

"Minyo naka? (Are you married?)."

While we appreciated their enthusiasm, it seemed as though they were more focused on the idea of marriage rather than the practicalities of making a lifelong commitment. The pressure to tie the knot was palpable, and it seemed that marriage was viewed as the ultimate solution to life's problems. It is a prevalent cultural norm in the Philippines, and it can be frustrating for couples who want to take their time and ensure that they are ready for such a significant commitment. While some people cited religious or traditional values, it was evident that the underlying expectation was to get married soon.

Unfortunately, this mentality perpetuates a toxic culture that prioritizes the act of getting married over the important considerations that come with it. It is not only impractical but also unrealistic. It is disheartening to see that some people view marriage as the ultimate destination, rather than it being part of someone's journey.

It is rather unfortunate that some people who advocate for early marriage have had failed marriages themselves. Marriage cannot solve all problems or any problem at all, and it is crucial to have a strong foundation before taking such a significant step.

Even more concerning are the people who urge us to have a child already, despite our lack of financial preparedness. Some of them claim that "money is easy to come by" and use their own struggles as proof that financial stability isn't necessary to start a family. 

Them: "Naa namoy anak? (Do you already have a child?)"

Us: "Wala pa oy, lisod pa ang panahon. Wala pay kwarta. (No, it's a difficult time. We're not financially prepared."

Them: "Sus, dali ra ng kwarta pag naa na. Kami man gani nakaya man gani namo, kamo pa. (Money is easy to come by. Look at us, we survived, how much more for the both of you?)"

Us: "(Dele lang.) (No thanks.)"

However, many of these individuals are forced to work abroad just to make ends meet. Many fathers and mothers must leave their families behind to work abroad just to provide for them, which kind of proves my point. Is it worth it to have a family that you must leave behind? No, it is not. This is a sad reality that should never be romanticized or encouraged.

In my opinion, financial, mental, and spiritual readiness are crucial before getting married. Financial readiness, in particular, is the most important aspect as it entails taking care of your family and making sure that your basic needs are met. It's essential to have enough savings to cover your children's education and ensure that there is always food on the table. Everything should be prepared thoroughly.

However, it doesn't stop at marriage. There are so many other things to consider when building a life together. It's essential to have open and honest communication, respect, and trust. It's important to grow together and support each other's dreams and aspirations. Marriage is not the end goal; it's the beginning of a lifelong journey with your partner. By prioritizing financial, mental, and spiritual readiness, couples can build a strong foundation for a happy and fulfilling life together.

I personally know a couple who got married and broke up in less than a month! And guess what, they got married because of pressure from family and relatives.

Therefore, I hope that those who place undue pressure on others to marry or have children will recognize the complexity of these decisions. I hope that individuals can learn from their experiences and provide better guidance to the next generation. It is essential to learn from the mistakes of the past and not pass on bad advice to the younger generation. Rather than promoting marriage as a quick fix, we should encourage individuals to approach relationships and marriage with careful thought. Everyone's situation is different, and what works for some may not work for others. It is essential to remember that there is no one "right" path and that everyone's journey is unique. We should encourage others to make informed decisions, rather than enforcing outdated cultural expectations.